When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
