Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
