Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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