Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
