I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
