did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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