It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
