He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
