is your mom at the bar?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
