Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I lost the right to judge tonight
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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