Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
