Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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