Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
