You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize