i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
