My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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