Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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