Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize