The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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