bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
