it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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