If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
