cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
