how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
