Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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