I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
