I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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