My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
