last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
