Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
