Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
