Can i not drive my cunt home
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
You can't special order awesome
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
