I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Let's get the cat blown out
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
