i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
