Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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