Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize