she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
There are leaves in my underwear?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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