Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Im part way to drunk.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize