I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
barbara walters just said penis...
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
