someone owes me an orgasm
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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