tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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