I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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