Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
