that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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