I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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