dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
