When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
