You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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