you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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