my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
