i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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