Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
