Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
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