i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
