I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize