mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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