you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
