Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
