Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
