Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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