I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
