Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
