I'm sorry my penis didn't work
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
