fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
